The Lessons of Loss
by Carol Galginaitis

People don't die in a vacuum, but rather within the context of cultural patterns and expectations. As such, the events, and even the feelings associated with death can be influenced by the social preferences, beliefs, and behaviors of the primary social group. For example, rituals of mourning often reflect a culture's belief (or lack thereof) in an afterlife and its understandings of the causes of death.

However, in most cases, while rituals may emerge from different belief systems,and the actual behaviors that make up these rituals can look very different, these behaviors usually share common functions and outcomes. We will focus on identifying and understanding these functions and outcomes during Week 2. Then we will examine the ways in which they signify the same underlying motivations.

First, we will look at the different ways in which cultures respond to death and dying. As you review this material, remember that rituals reflect both cultural expectations and mores, as well as the preferences and personalities of the family or individual. As a result, mourning rituals vary greatly throughout the world. None are better or worse than others as long as they comfort the bereaved.

The information presented in this section provides a basic introduction, and in no way covers all aspects of cross-cultural mourning traditions. If your students ask you something you don't know, don't be afraid to say so. If there is sufficient interest, you and your students can investigate the issue together. using the resources listed throughout this lesson, and in the "Teacher Orientation" materials.

BELIEF IN AFTERLIFE

Cultures vary in their beliefs about the permanence of death and the existence of an afterlife. These differences are reflected in the ways they respond to death, and, perhaps, develop cultural/religious traditions.

For example, the ancient Egyptians believed that those who had lived worthy lives spent eternity in "the fields of Yam," a land of peace and plenty. This belief underwent revision in later years, when worthy individuals were thought to join Osiris in the Underworld. To ease their journey, pharaohs, their families, and other nobles were buried with the Book of the Dead (to help them answer questions they would be asked before being admitted to the afterlife) and all the objects they would need to carry on their lives. Ordinary Egyptians were not permitted entrance to the afterlife, and were buried in simple, shallow graves.

The Aztecs of Mexico believed there were three separate afterworlds and that the nature of the death determined the soul's destination. While most people were condemned to Mictlan, a fairly dreary underworld home, those who drowned, died of illness, or were killed by lightning went to the much more pleasant Tlalocan. Women who died in childbirth or were sacrificed, and warriors killed in battle lived in an even more wonderful home after death.

Many of the Hindus who believe in reincarnation do not grieve at the time of death, but rather see death as a transition to another form of life. Because Hindus believe that Benares is a holy city, a "doorway to Eternity," many believers try to bathe in the Ganges River running through the city before dying to seek liberation from the death-rebirth cycle. Buddhists share the believe that death is a passage of the soul to another--and one would hope, better--life.

Muslims believe in the Last Judgment, when visiting angels will question the deceased about their beliefs. The souls of the damned are separated from God and condemned to eternal torture and torment. The souls of the righteous, however, exist at the right hand of Adam for eternity.

The Baganda of Uganda believe that the soul becomes an invisible ghost who retains many of the characteristics of the deceased, and remains with the family. If these ghosts are not pleased, they can make life unpleasant for the living by bringing illness or death. The Baganda believe that two years after a death, the ghost will enter the body of a newborn within the same family.

The Hopi Indians believe in a different kind of ghost, a friendly Kachina who visits the village and brings good luck or rain.

In contrast, a few cultures, such as the Kanuri of Nigeria and the Navaho do not conceive of an afterlife, but believe that all life ends with death. (Many Jews and UUs share this belief as well.) However, the Navajo hold~that all but the very young and the old generate evil spirits, a belief reflected in their burial rituals. For example, people avoid contact with the dead body, which often is buried in a distant, unmarked location.

RITUALS OF MOURNING

Rituals of mourning reflect a culture's belief (or lack thereof) in an afterlife and its understandings of the causes of death. In other words, cultures that hold differing beliefs about the cause of death and/or the existence of an afterlife will develop different rituals of mourning.

Nevertheless, most mourning rituals share common elements, and generally prescribe how people should:

• mark the occasion of death
• handle the body prior to burial
• "feel the feelings" of loss or guide the expression of grief
• answer the question of "why" or otherwise fit the loss into a wider context
• maintain a connection to the dead and strengthen relationships with the living
• mark changes over time

While rituals of mourning may look completely different from culture to culture, they usually help individuals determine how to address one or more of these needs.

Handling the body prior to burial or cremation

Some cultures have rigid rules about the way in which a body should be disposed (burial, cremation, being left for scavengers); and might even specify the depth at which a body should be buried. In cultures with such rules, burial depth depends upon the family's social and financial status. Other cultures, such as the Ik of East Africa, stipulate that the grave should be located in a favorite place of the deceased, who should be buried facing the rising sun folded into a fetal position to mark his or her celestial rebirth.

Muslims are never embalmed, and sometimes are not even placed in coffins so that the body returns to the earth as soon as possible. Bodies are buried facing Mecca.

Hindus aspire to "moksha," or release from the long cycle of rebirths. When Hindus suspect that they are close to death, they try to travel to Benares, the gateway to liberation, to be purified in the holy waters of the Ganges. Those who have led very holy lives, and who hope to be reunited with God, are carried to the river after death, weighted with stones, and lowered into the water. Their loved ones blow into conch shells and sing to mark the joyous occasion of the deceased person's reunification with God.

"Ordinary" people are cremated, and proceed to heaven or hell. They will be returned to life in another form; the quality of this reincarnation depends upon the quality of the choices they made during their previous lives.

Because the Navaho fear the dead, those who prepare the body quickly bury it in a distant, unmarked location. To avoid being contaminated with the evil spirits of the dead, anyone who comes in contact with the body goes through various purification rituals, including bathing, destroying any clothes worn during preparation, and isolating themselves for a period of time.

A few cultures, including some Aborigine tribes of Australia, Leave dead bodies in tree platforms until they decompose.

"Feeling the feelings" or guide the feelings of loss

Practices vary considerably. Some cultures, such as the mains Indians, sanction the open expression of grief. The bereaved lacerate their heads, legs, or hands, and wail loudly. Others, including some American sub-groups and the Modjokuto of Central Java, encourage self-control. Modjokuto mourners strive to achieve "iklas," a detached state of not caring. Still others, such as the Abkhasians, permit bursts of emotion only during the funeral.

The official period of mourning also varies. The Magars of Nepal mourn for 13 days, while the Kanuri of Nigeria sanction a 40-day mourning period. The Barabaig in Tanzania hold funeral activities for eight or nine months after the death, and mark the end of mourning by suffocating a black ox near the grave site. On the Trobriand Islands, widows are expected to grieve openly for months, or even years. Jews in this country have developed a three-stage period of mourning. Shiva, which is held for the seven days following the funeral, marks the time of intense mourning when family members do not leave the house but instead receive visitors who come to pay their respects. (This ceremony is called "sitting Shiva.3 A 30-day period of mourning follows, during which mourners wear black and maintain an attitude of solemnity. About a year after the death, the family holds an unveiling ceremony (during which the gravestone is placed) to mark the official end of mourning. However, the family continues to light the Yahrzeit candle for the entire 24 hour anniversary of the death each year.

Commemorations

Cultures also develop different ways to remember and maintain relationships with the deceased. Such customs vary from the relatively simple anniversary mass celebrated in many Catholic churches; to the Jewish unveiling; to the elaborate and festive "Days of the Dead" in Mexico, during which time the spirits of deceased loved ones are invited back for a visit. Students will learn more about this ceremony this week, as well as during the final week of this curriculum.

- This festive centuries-old celebration is a blend of Aztec and Catholic beliefs.
- It is celebrated in Mexico and Central America.
- It is held from the evening of October 31 through November 2 of each year.
- Its purpose is to invite the dead to visit the living.
- Mexicans traditionally believe that if the dead are ignored or uncared for, they may take revenge on the living.
- October 31 is All Hallows Eve, when the spirits of dead children are invited back.
- Children make altars to invite the spirits of dead children to return; these altars include food, toys, photographs, small "Pan.de Los Muertos" (bread of the dead) and candles to light the way for the visiting spirits.
- Often children place tiny toy skeletons or sugar skulls marked with the names of the dead on the altar as well.
- November 1 is All Saints Day, which honors a family's ancestors; during this day, adult spirits come to visit.
- The traditional meal for this celebration includes tamales and tortillas.
- Larger altars for adult spirits are constructed and include crucifixes, incense, food, flowers, photographs, a candle for each deceased relative, and some favorite foods of the deceased.
- Fireworks signify the official beginning of the visit of the spirits; at this time, the church bells start tolling and will continue to for 24 hours.
- The day is spent eating and visiting relatives, taking some of the food from the altar to share with others.
- November 2 is All Souls Day, when people attend church and then visit the cemetery to decorate the graves of their loved ones.
- In the afternoon, the church bells stop ringing, and another round of fireworks officially ends the visit of the dead.
- The afternoon ends with a huge picnic in the cemetery.
- As night falls, families light candles at the graveside and reflect on those who have died.
- Often people tell ghost stories or dance "the dance of the skeletons" (el baile de los esqueletos).
- These traditions vary from village to village.

Unitarian Universalist beliefs and theology

It also is helpful to review the beliefs that derive from our seven UU principles, and to examine how they inform our thinking about death and dying. Students may bring some of these ideas to bear on their reflections this week and next.

• No one holds the ultimate truth about life, death, and the existence of the soul.
• We have the right to change our minds.
• We have the right to our individual opinions and beliefs.
• We believe that a deed reserve of strength exists within each of us.
• Every person has the courage and ability to contemplate the unknowable.
• Life is hard and loss is inevitable. However, hard as it is, life is good and worth living. Our job is to live on earth with truth, beauty, and goodness.
• God (however defined) is characterized by love, not ultimate power.
• We can and do draw inspiration and strength from a wide variety of sources, including nature, individual fortitude, and other faiths.
• There are no "chosen" people: UUs are no more deserving of salvation or preference than people of other faiths (or of no faith).
• Because UUs tend to accept scientific explanations for occurrences, most members of our faith hold to an evolutionary view of the creation of the universe, and do not readily endorse the existence of heaven, hell, or purgatory.
• As expressed by James Freeman Clarke in the 19th century, many of us believe in "salvation by character," in which UUs place greatest emphasis on the way we live our lives today here on earth.

UUs can help each other during times of loss by:

• Sharing our emotions, both pleasant and painful.
• Recognizing the wrenching pain of loss.
• Acknowledging differences of opinion in an atmosphere of respect and acceptance.
• "Walking through the nettles" with each other.
• Offering support through our caring communities.

Many UUs do not know if there is an afterlife, but respect an individual's right to hold his or her own beliefs. Many people believe we realize the outcome of our actions while living here on earth.

During today's lesson, students also will learn about UU memorial practices that offer support to the bereaved, including:

• Memorial services
- Focus is on remembering and honoring the deceased
- Personal life history of deceased is at center of service, with some discussion of the meaning of his or her life
- Readings, music, prayers often reflect the preferences or personality of the deceased
- Offers chance for bereaved to remember unique qualities of deceased
- Provides community of caring in which bereaved can comfort each other
- Usually burial or cremation precedes service, which is arranged to be convenient for family and friends
- Major purposes of memorial service are to appreciate our relationship with the deceased and to minister to each other in an acknowledgment of our shared humanity
• Candles of Joy and Concern
- Offers chance for church members to rememorialize their UU and non-UU loved ones
- Many congregations include this ritual during worship service on a monthly or quarterly basis
• Other practices
- Memorial plaques in hymnals
- Memorial benches, rooms, wings of church
- Memorial gardens

Regardless of the specific types of beliefs and rituals that cultures develop around the death experience, these rituals represent approaches to meeting certain needs.